Finding Balance

(This entry was written the day before I left Italy...)

It occurred to me as I was walking home the other night that I have been so busy mentally preparing myself for the transition back to the US that I have forgotten what is that I am leaving behind. A month ago it was the opposite, I was so sad at the prospect of leaving this place that has become my second home that I couldn’t imagine what good could come from it. It made me wonder why it is that I’ve been so firmly in either one state of mind or the other.

It seems impossible for my brain to process the conflicting feelings I have about leaving here for a second time. I’m sad to be leaving yet happy to be going home. Then I’m happy to be leaving and sad to be going home. I can’t make sense of it. I can’t figure out how to find a place of balance, where I can feel happy and sad all at once.

So many things in life are a blend of both good and bad, so it seems like we should be better able to take these things in stride. But emotions are emotions, you feel what you feel and there is no way to rationalize yourself out of it, and I have tried. Being the Libra that I am, always striving to find balance, I have been thinking hard about the opposite sides of this emotional transition and what I’ve experienced these past four months.

Happy: I have made wonderful friends here that have added indescribable depth, joy and hilarity to this experience.
Sad: Now I have to say goodbye to them, or at least farewell for now.

Happy: I will soon get to see my family and friends who I have missed greatly.
Sad: I will not get to see Stefano for quite a long time, and I will miss him greatly.

Happy: I will be able to walk out my door without stepping into throngs of tourists.
Sad: I will not walk or bike everywhere anymore, passing by buildings, bridges and statues that continue to thrill me.

Happy: I will be back where there is tremendous comfort in the familiar.
Sad: I will no longer be able to gawk at attractive, well-dressed Italian men.

Happy: I will be utterly comfortable speaking my own language all the time and I will understand what everyone is saying.
Sad: Unless I really keep at it (which I vow to do along with Valerie), I will soon lose the minor strides I’ve made in learning Italian.

Happy: I will be able to sleep much more peacefully, no more trash trucks outside at 12:45am (when I started writing this blog) or street sweeper trucks groaning down the street at 6am.
Sad: Ah-ha! Nothing but happy on this one.

For now I will have to try to live comfortably in the middle ground, walking carefully along this fine line between happy and sad. In the sad moments I will think about all the great times and wonderful memories and will look forward to my return and seeing my friends again. I wouldn’t trade any of it.

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